LIfe with PTSD.

I've neglected the blog. Its been a week. So much has happened but I've forgotten most of it. I should have started a record ! So quick summary. I watched one of my sons play rugby,played golf, done a small amount of drawing, watched TV a lot and tried to solve some more sudoku. I went along to the Rugby game with my daughter in law and grandson.  He was great and cheered me up a lot. I think my daughter in law may have been a little unsure of what to say and I didn't raise the subject in case I embarrassed her. She asked in the 2nd half though and it was good to explain. I got to their house early and had 45 mins with my son who was totally ok talking about it. I can see how it must be quite hard....very hard to talk to your father in law about his mental health though. She must have felt confident I was ok as she asked me to drive the car back home while my son stayed on after the game to celebrate their win. ( That gave me a little boost.) They are fighting r...

I thought I was only going to do one post a day but , hey there's no rules are there. I'll do the fuck I want. I tried to make myself busy after the documentary and wrote the earlier post, got dressed , walked to the Docs to pick up my prescription and sick note. Got home, tried to the cryptic crossword, failed. completed the sudoko though. my wife called, I told her I was feeling down and apologised. She was great as per usual. I had been listening to a radio 4 drama to get away from any news I guess. Should have chosen music. The play was about some pilot who hijacked his own plane. It got to a point where they scrambled military jets and I completely lost it. Ran out the kitchen , managed to turn the speaker off and bawled like a child in the back bedroom.  Took quite a few minutes to calm down.  Took me by complete surprise. Looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. Red eyed, unshaven. not pretty. Triggers ! Saw that the message on the house phone was flashi...

I've woken today to the awful news from NZ of the attacks at two mosques. so far 49 have been confirmed dead and many more injured. I also think of the emergency service personnel who will be at the scene and dealing with the aftermath. Those that survive will live with this day for ever. The families will too. I didn't turn on the news , I saw the news on my phone. I turned the tv on and after one report turned it to a documentary. to get away from any news. I can't face the horror. I've had mine. They do not compare to what will be seen today in NZ but they will be comparable. Does that makes sense. I cannot watch because I cannot affect it. It will affect me though and I don't want to be affected. I find a Steven Gerrard documentary on Amazon. his career, his desire to win the premier league. His own battles, his demons and now he has retired from playing, his story that he believes is not over. He is in management now at Rangers and clearly believes he...

Leeds Utd have just lost at home to Sheff Utd. I paid for a Sky day pass. I was angry for a while as I felt (still feel) that this was the year they'd get back up but losing like this at home is a blow. While i'm watching , the post comes. Its my report from my assessment last week.  My wife  is out at her parents , her brother "P" is up to watch the Tigers. It would probably be good to talk to him but I don't want to sit in the living room with all eyes on me.  I say home, besides I have Leeds to watch as soon as I've cleaned the bathrooms which I promised to do yesterday. I get them done in time and Leeds are great in the first half. I start reading the report. I'm distracted. Leeds are playing brilliantly. I cant concentrate on both. I choose Leeds. Just before half time Dawn returns. has some lunch then goes out for a hair appt. Leeds are losing . I'm angry. A colleague texts suggesting a date for the memorial match for Aky. (I.H) It...

So i'm sat here with my wife who is watching "Baptiste" a cop programme. She has had the day off and has tomorrow off too. I had a scan to go to this morning so I convinced my wife to go out shopping without me. She went to York with her mum. I had the scan then headed to a friends house for a chat and a drink. I veered away though and found myself just heading towards the Jcn 32 shopping centre. I thought I needed some beach footwear. I ended up buying three shirts. I also ended up sat alone with a cup of tea and food and feeling horribly alone. My mood plummeted as I saw how my life might be if my wife wasn't there for any reason.  She had text and called me numerous times to ask how I was and I gave the usual answer of being okay. Which is true to some extent of course. The tv programme is coming to a conclusion and Baptiste has the top crook on the ropes. He's broken every rule in the book to get there. If I was a tv programme I'd simply write tha...

If I told you I was 53yrs old would you stop reading , would you think I was too old to be relevant ? would you say I'm too young maybe to know what life has got to thrown at me yet. I've not faced old age, aching bones and the like. Well I've passed my 53rd summer and as I write i'm approaching the 54th as spring starts to take a hold. I have four sons from two marriages. my first marriage was 7yrs and 3 sons. my second marriage has lasted considerably longer, now in its 25th year and that son , the youngest is 23yrs old.  I'm writing this to help me record everything that is happening to me,  as it seems to be getting away from me. You see i'm currently off work with PTSD. something that until literally 2-3 mths ago I thought only soldiers suffered from. I'm not a solider though.  I have one son who is and another who has been but I'm not and never have been. I applied, I failed. However I'm a Police Sergeant of 28yrs service with 2 to do  ...

This is just a test first post to see who if anyone is getting this.