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Today I dont feel like doing anything (2) Friday 15th March

I've woken today to the awful news from NZ of the attacks at two mosques. so far 49 have been confirmed dead and many more injured.
I also think of the emergency service personnel who will be at the scene and dealing with the aftermath. Those that survive will live with this day for ever. The families will too.

I didn't turn on the news , I saw the news on my phone. I turned the tv on and after one report turned it to a documentary. to get away from any news.
I can't face the horror. I've had mine. They do not compare to what will be seen today in NZ but they will be comparable. Does that makes sense.

I cannot watch because I cannot affect it. It will affect me though and I don't want to be affected.

I find a Steven Gerrard documentary on Amazon. his career, his desire to win the premier league. His own battles, his demons and now he has retired from playing, his story that he believes is not over.
He is in management now at Rangers and clearly believes he has to succeed there too. Will his path lead to Anfield again where Klopp is now.

Gerrard had psychiatric help. He was my therapy today.

I watched it while messaging my younger brother who asked how I was. I replied and write some bullshit about finding my mojo and being a "Simpson" so that i'd bounce back.
He finished by saying he was available to talk anytime.

I've heard this a lot recently. I spoke with Son "S" last night who called me. He was good to talk to. I was with son "J" on Monday / Tuesday who seems in a much better place. He has a "Ruth" over his head.

She seems good for him but I fear it may not last. why ?
No reason. There was no reason, is no reason. I just fear.

But I  don't want to talk. I want to be alone. I want to crawl into that hole.
I want to scream, cry , laugh, find joy , feel alive. I want to run from the pain, the memories.

I told my wife I would clean the house. but I can only just clean my teeth.

The trees outside are being battered by the wind, but they stand firm.
Gerrard slips, he was so close. Pass to Gerrard, Pass to Gerrard Pass to Gerrard.

They shouldn't have expected so much. They shouldn't have passed so often.

Today I don't feel like doing anything,Bruno Mars sang.

Today neither do I.

But I will....
I watched Cheltenham yesterday where a blind trainer won a race immediately after a female jockey (Bryony) won her race. She gave thanks to the horse. She says it guided her and led her through the last stages.
I need a horse.
 I can see, I have vision. You don't need eyes for vision though.

I told my son "J" that life is shit, that no one gets out alive. Maybe you're not supposed to though.
Life is the battle ,but its also the victory.
 We cause our own problems. Make our own issues. We make the rules, we make it hard. It could be easier.

Stop striving for more. Stop driving.
Relax and enjoy the ride Stevie G.










  

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